Advice is *the worst*

As a new parent, I received a lot of advice from well-meaning friends, fellow parents, parents of friends, random coworkers, etc. Looking back, much of this advice was actually pretty good. I have a strong network of wise, strong parents in my life. But it wasn't about the quality of the advice. It's about the implication.

When I heard advice from someone, I heard that I was screwing something up. That if only my kid cried herself to sleep/coslept with us/ate only whole, unprocessed foods/ate only purees/ just had some formula/never used a pacifier (and many more conflicting pieces of advice), this time would be easier. Baby would sleep through the night, and my own struggles with becoming a parent would go away. It made my baby doing things that a normal baby does (wake up a few times in the night, cry when teething, leak through her diaper) feel like a personal failure.

And here's the thing: I googled a lot of advice when I was pregnant and then when I became a parent. I spent a WHOLE lot of time trying to make my baby take longer naps and sleep through the night. I purchased many devices and sleep training plans.

When these products did not work to make my 5-month old sleep through the night, I felt like my daughter and I were flunkies. I must not have been consistent enough.

This was a true lesson in parenthood: I have to let go of trying to control her behaviors and accept who she is, even at this young age. I can try and help her along, but I have no control over how much she wants to sleep or eat. I can't snap my fingers and decide it's time for her to crawl. And I can't spend $350 on a play mat and have her crawling either.

In therapy, there is something called dialectics. Dialectics is basically the notion that two opposing things can be true at the same time. As therapists, it is our job to remind our clients of two seemingly opposite truths: they are doing the best they can AND they could improve some things in their lives.

As a parent, I am noticing a LOT of opposing truths. I love my daughter dearly AND need breaks from her. It is my job to comfort her AND she will benefit from developing self-soothing skills. She is completely dependent on her parents AND she is developing independence every day.

These opposing truths ultimately lead to a child with secure attachment (another therapy term). When we emphasize one side of the spectrum of independence and dependence, we miss the mark.

Much of what I see and hear in terms of advice tends to over-simplify this negotiation of the dependence/ independence dynamic that is UNIQUE TO EVERY PARENT AND BABY.

Unfortunately, much of what I see and hear in terms of advertising (for sleep courses, baby toys, gadgets, etc.) tends to take advantage of exhausted and insecure parents struggling with this dynamic. Are there products that help? Sure, but nothing is a guarantee.

This is why even if you are not suffering from the common signs of peri-natal mental health concerns, it can be helpful to work with a therapist. Finding the balance between honoring your child's independence and dependence is extremely challenging and ever-changing. It's a personal journey that looks different for every parent. And when we are having these more nuanced discussions with coparents, our own stuff around how we were parented comes into play. This is where a therapist is super helpful. I love to help clients organize what is simply a difficult parenting decision and what is their own stuff. Then, we can process through their own stuff.

All that being said, I still do ask for advice from parents I trust. It is genuinely helpful to know that lots of parents have struggled with complex issues and come out the other side, marriage in tact. The advice I like best goes a little something like this: "That's a really tough decision to make. It's really personal to you and your partner. Here's what we did when something similar came up...But you know your kid best, and I know you will make the right choice."